Mar 31, 2008

Dear Bridesmaids....

If Rockapella still existed...
If evil henchmen still roamed the virtual realm....
If Carmen Sandiego were still a game....
These would be your dossier files

Angelique Louise Nicolai
alternative ID: Ang
relation to victim: eldest sister
why she's suspect: she's tolerated endless years of bratiness and torture- and loved Noelle through it all.
loves: reading and Noelle
how to identify her: excessively intelligent use of vocabulary reserved for the upper echelons of human intelligence.... also, glasses.

Erica Filomena Nicolai Gardner
alternative ID: Bearica
relation to victim: older sister, second of Nicolai 3
why she's suspect: former fashion consultant, parental advocate, high-school chauffeur and present-day confidante of the victim
loves: Noelle, just because presents, writing nice notes to family members, and napping
how to identify her: cackles and giggles abound, as does curly hair. reference to kindergarten-aged children, coach purchases and Harlem may also betray her identity

Kristin Lybbert
alternative ID: Kris, Sis
relation to victim: younger sister (in-law-to-be, if you want to be technical)
why she's suspect: European excursions, WA weekends and attempted ski dates have endeared her to the victim
loves: skiing, running, her brothers, Noelle and cougar town
how to identify her: long long hair (emphasis on the long part), and humorous text messages- including but not exclusive to cute Easter outfits and snow

Kimberly Harman
alternative ID: Kimbers, Kimmy
relation to victim: best friend
why she's suspect: after sporting a kate spade purse outside of the Helaman dorms in September of 2002, Kimberly Harman has been in close contact with the victim- including time spent in New York, London and Park City.
loves: her amazing job in NYC, girlie movies, baking chocolate chip cookies, white pick-up trucks and the absence of one Lucifer Cat in her life
how to identify her: catch phrases like "Sor," "Peu t'etre" and "the thing is..." give her away, and a killer wardrobe.

Laura Diane Rees
alternative ID: "L"
relation to the victim: roommate and coworker
why she's suspect: without Laura, Noelle wouldn't even be in SLC
loves: diet coke and Noelle (naturally)
how to identify her: entrances usually preceded by rap music, also signature moves like air smooching with one hand extended while "backin’ it up," typically describes pleasant activities as "wonderful,” may have grilled cheese in hand

Valerie Leach
alternative ID: Val
relation to victim: former neighbor, coworker, car-poolee, financial accountability friend, gym partner and sasshole (not a typo, she's just sassy)
why she's suspect: for a substantial period of time she spent 80-97% of a 24-hour period with the victim, and she supports her in most endeavors- both legal and illegal
loves: Veronica Mars, capable employees, FPU class (sort of), and her favorite person...
how to identify her: wildly curly hair, a suspicious smile and the occasional "WHAT THE _____" exclamation while sitting at her desk, often seen in the break room microwave line, or strolling through TA offices (with or without string cheese in hand)
*WARNING...known to make SHARP turns when accessing I-80*

1 comment:

kimmy girl said...

i have been using my carmen lingo lately. seriously. do it rockapella. ive been saying it, ask matthew. by the way, you win for being the best blogger i know. i love you. im so excited to be your bridesmaid.