Feb 8, 2008

Dear Delusional Landlord who STOLE my $400 Security Deposit,

Dear J. Parker,
I received your reply to the certified letter I sent you, requesting a return of my $400.00 deposit. I have a few items to review with you.

1. When I requested an itemized deduction of your claims, saying "my forthright and honest friend Sill was witness to the mess the carpet was in," is actually not an ITEMIZED DEDUCTION- as Sill is neither a receipt for cleaning or formal record. . . And let's be "forthright and honest" here - your best friend isn't an unbiased third party.

2. Regarding the "bleach stains on the carpet" to which the carpet cleaner said he'd "never seen a rug in such poor condition." Clearly, you've caught yourself in a lie here. As the "stains" on the carpet are actually white carpet cleaning powder I spread before moving out, and was unable to remove with a regular vacuum. Had you actually sought professional cleaning, a high-powered machine would have easily removed those powder marks. And somehow, you forgot to include the reciept as proof of this service. I suppose I'm to ask Sill, your forthright friend, if that did or did not occur?

3. You claim that I violated our contract, and did not give you one months notice for my move out date. You're right about one thing... I gave you 6 WEEKS notice, 2 more than requested, in a letter written on Nov. 16. You happily cashed the check for December's FULL rent, making me the legal tenant until Dec. 31 - no violation there. Translation = you still owe me money.

4. In your letter you mentioned the showerhead broke 2 days after I moved out... well Jeri, all I can say to that is, I MOVED OUT so clearly I didn't break it.

5. You claimed not to have a forwarding address to send the check to, however you were able to send me your poorly written, error-laden, grammatically incorrect letter, which let me know you couldn't send a check. Seems curious, doesn't it?

6. Regarding your valediction "Life is short and the good days are few." Quite profound - you really are the sharpest knife in the drawer.

At the end of the day, you still owe me $400.00. Please rest assured, we'll be in touch.
I've got a bright future ahead of me, and good days abound- don't you worry about me!

Wishing- respectfully- that you had the intellectual capacity to understand how business transactions and the real world function,
Noelle R. Nicolai

7 comments:

Brad said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....that is the most profound comment i could think of. Good luck getting your money back.Tell your fiance to call me back already. P.S. Facebook updates get a lot of publicity as you can tell from me commenting on your BLOG.

Matt said...

this makes my blood boil

Elizabeth said...

Seriously? The story just got better and better as I continued reading each numeric entry. Don't you just l-o-v-e landlords?

Please continue to stay on this and "stick it to 'em" and in turn stand up for all of those who have been bullied, manipulated and mistreated by the landlords of Provo US of A!

E.F.G. said...

ok, i know this sucks but it is so funny! what a loser...and just think of all the fab stuff you could buy with $400. come on, noelle, get 'er!

valerie said...

point - Nicolai
actually, make that 6 points - Nicolai
delusional, shady, biased landlord - 0

Hayley & Josh said...

sorry noelle! im new to the blogging world...but i came across this and i just HAD to say...amazing!! that letter was amazing.
i hope you get your $$ back.

Stephanie said...

http://mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/