Dec 8, 2010

adrift.

i've been told my entire life that i wasn't a strong swimmer. and that may be true.
but i'd rather be a weak swimmer than a floater.
and lately, i'm adrift.

i stay up too late.
i sleep in.
i eat dinner for breakfast.
or snacks for meals.
i work from 11-1pm. 4-6pm. 9-11pm.
i shower at random.
or when i think the bathroom will be warm enough.

my days are as structured as a wet noodle. and while some people may revel in the freedom of a life without boundaries, i find safety, security and productivity in a regiment.

at one point in my life i was en route from point a to point b. charting a course, adjusting, changing, swimming, and making progress. on my way to this "finish line" -professional growth, academic success, personal development, relationship building - there was purpose and fulfillment. each buoy passed gave a sense of accomplishment. i was getting "closer" and improving along the way.

and then that course changed.

i was pulled from my race and dropped in another - somewhere in the middle, no end in sight and no clear course marked. and i'm having a hard time getting my bearings.

unsure of which direction to swim (and afraid of heading in the wrong one) i've stopped moving forward. i'm floating, drifting, subject to currents and waves and headed nowhere. at first, it was nice to enjoy the view. rest my lungs and muscles. shake off the stress of competition. now it feels like i'm barely maintaining a position, and each day that passes is forward progress lost.

but i don't really know where to go.

8 comments:

Ashley said...

I wish I had advice. I feel exactly the same way.

Katie said...

I'm so with you on needing structure in my life. I got so depressed when I didn't have a job for a few months of 2009 and my schedule was exactly like this - the snacking, the afternoon showers, the daytime tv. It's the worst. Annoying how when we are busy we want free time, but when we have free time we just want to be busy.

Whenever I got out of the house (translation: stopped thinking about myself) I felt better. Find a DIY project, schedule time at the gym, find a complicated recipe and spend an afternoon making it. Any time I finished ANYTHING (a meal, a gym session, a book) I felt much better about myself. Sometimes I make lists of menial tasks just so I can cross things off.

Anyway, not to make this a novel about myself, but I've definitely been there before and it's not fun, so I feel for you.

Hope today is better!

Valerie said...

So I had to comment because so much of your situation was exactly my situation down to the dinner for breakfast! In fact, I still crave spaghetti sometimes in the morning :) I came to terms with the fact that I had no where to go fast by changing my perspective. I had been running this course on familiar territory with goals that I had set and recognized along the way. But there was a catch, I buddied up with someone who was also running a course with goals I didn't personally recognize but understood. He asked me one day to help him on his course and I said yes because I also wanted him to succeed. So I went along, doing whatever little I could to support, knowing that it wouldn't always be this way but insisting on enjoying the new scenery despite the change of pace. It meant giving up my course for a time being, but knowing I would survive!

I don't know, maybe I'm off and crazy but it helped me to visualize!

neil and jes said...

welcome to my last three months. go work at anthro! do something fun just for yourself :)

orrr move to NY! great idea.

Amanda said...

it'll come. give yourself time. and control the little things. find little victories in going to bed early and waking up early. i always found it hardest to get out of the house in the morning...but once i did i was so much happier.

and check out any prescriptions since you have been in the UK. i went little crazy after a few months in school and figured out it was the UK medicine throwing me off. it was close to what they had in the U.S. but not quite the same.

Shannon Elizabeth said...

noelle, i feel the same way. working from home is really, really hard. i miss structure and routine. and then i beat myself up because i am not disciplined enough to create that on my own. also i need people interaction, big time. i had no idea what a big part of my happiness that was.

usually im a lurker and not a commenter but this deserved an amen.

Jana said...

Amen to you, Noelle. Amen to you, Shannon. Amen to all. Did you crawl in my brain?. It's like you wrote out, much more articulately, exactly how I think and feel. Exactly. I wish I had something helpful to say.

Shea McGee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.