this is not an attempt to elicit comments of encouragement. save the support for another blog - i'm just honest blogging.
it seems that life is a delicate juggling act - some bowling pins, some rubber balls, some flaming swords, shot puts and crystal balls - a mess of multitasking. part of the task is managing the juggling objects you need with the objects you want. part of the task is finding the right balance of strength to throw the lead shot put, while gingerly tossing a crystal ball, and maneuvering around the flaming sword to grab the handle and lob it into the air again.
in my ideal juggling act i'd be juggling (in no particular order)-
marriage
free time
church
sleep
job
hobby 1 (reading)
socializing
calling
hobby 2 (salsa dancing, pottery classes, italian classes ...)
service
fitness
hobby 3 (skiing, basketball, pilates)
in my currently juggling act i have -
marriage
job
sleep
church /calling
and i'm dropping all of them- the flaming swords are clattering loudly on the ground while everything around me is set ablaze. the crystal balls have shattered. the rubber balls are bouncing out of control ....
matt doesn't complain, but made evident from his refrigerator scrubbing and laundry washing, i'm falling short on domestic duties. despite the 10-12 hour days at work, there is always more to be done and a better way to do it. i'd give my yw girls the shirt off my back, and anything else i have to offer - unfortunately, they need time and that's the one thing i don't have. and all of this combined is seriously affecting my sleep.
this realization is one that is more than just difficult for me - i've never really failed before (and if i did, it was by choice ... i.e. skipping my accounting final to hike havasupai) i'm assuming there is some lesson to be learned, or perhaps i needed some humbling?
failure, i'm tired of you. worse yet - as far as i can tell - i think you're here to stay a while.
5 comments:
sorry, support is what you get. try looking for the things you are doing right, cause if i know my noni there is a WHOLE long list of them. i love you, im so so so sorry its hard. call me if you need anything.
You couldn't have captured the way I feel any better. I have just accepted the fact that I am becoming a master of mediocracy in the things I do like my calling, marriage, fitness, cooking, etc. There simply is not enough time to do it all.
At least you have those four down. I am sure you are doing way better than you think. At least you always look awesome!
i'm so envious of your italian classes. that's one thing i miss from brigham!
Yeah, I'm with Mehrsa. One of the first balls to go for me was the "looks like I've got it together" ball. Which apparently, you tend to with ease. Good work.
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