May 5, 2011

compliments of crazy.

ever read a blog post and think "wow, she's losing it?"
no, not yet?
well then, here you go.
compliments of crazy.

it might be because the royal wedding is over. or maybe the insecurity of our future is really starting to weigh on me. either way, this week was filled with royal meltdowns (lest you think my life in london is perfect). here's a frantic 3:00 am email to prove it:

i'm feeling so frustrated - so thwarted - so useless right now, it's maddening. the only way i can explain it is like being mentally capable and active, but trapped inside a completely paralyzed body. drowning maybe. total loss of control. i'm on someone else's train and i have no idea where it's going. and i try to keep myself busy, enjoy the scenery, make the best of it - but when i stop to think about it, all i want to do is jump off. this can't be where i'm supposed to be? 

when i'm not walking around hyde park. working. or planning what we'll do next. in quiet moments when i'm left to take inventory (and i should be saying how grateful i am for our opportunities, for a good husband, for the lack of want in my life) i feel myself approaching some threshold of insanity. LIKE IF I WASTE ONE MORE DAY SPINNING MY WHEELS I'LL DRIVE THIS DAMN BIKE OFF A CLIFF - THE CRAZY CLIFF. 

i can't handle the uncertainty. i'm so angry at Heavenly Father for not talking to me - AT ALL. for not even saying something like "relax, it will work out." i'm SWEATING it.

and then i cry and cry when all i want to do is scream.
do you ever feel this way?

(yes, it's dramatic. it was 3:00 am. and in case you're wondering: references to cliff-hopping and train-jumping are not life or marriage ending sentiments, just late night crazy coming out) 
here's why i'm losing it:
london is great.
matt loves his program.
i adore the city. 
we've had a wonderful time traveling and are so lucky to have made some really wonderful friends. so far, so good, right?

but sometimes i'm lonely. i feel stagnant. working from home is a challenge. (i don't think you can fathom how much i LOVED my job in salt lake - i literally bounded to work each day - and the contrast of my current situation gets me down.) we don't know if we'll be able to stay here.  we don't necessarily know where we'll go if we don't. our visas expire. i grow arugula, not dollars. i want to be an interior decorator. that means school and more money and if we have a family in a few years, i feel like i should just work and save as much as i can until then. and if you didn't catch it from my tone, i don't handle uncertainty gracefully.

i know my breakdowns are hard on matt. and that makes me feel worse. i want to be a good wife. its just that no one really ever told me that's best done from the sidelines sometimes. i have to fight with my-selfish-self a lot of the time. and i guess that's what loving someone means. i'm learning.

good advice received so far: 
  • steer clear of late night munchies. (ummm... do matt's midnight pancakes count?) 
  • things always seem worse at 3:00 am instead of 3:00 pm. 
  • there is always value in the process
  • Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, how much more will he not provide for you, if ye are not of little faith. Matthew 6:30

there are a few things that keep crazy at bay:
the swapps are coming.
the sun is shining.
she's growing:

i talk to her. and check her first thing when i get home. and rotate her so she stands nice and tall. (phototropism is terrible for posture). 

oh, and pictures of this little button make me happy too. 
here she is dancing around in her easter bathing suit. 


Jen said...

Don't we all have those days!? Yup, sure do.

Laura said...

I have been there, sister. While waiting for Chad to get accepted into Ortho school. Our entire future totally out of my control. It was AWFUL. If you would like, I could share the story with you and how I got through it. Message me on FB and we'll "talk". Hugs to you!

Anonymous said... aren't alone with the way your feeling. I'm not married and I don't live the life style that you do, but I do feel the same uncertainty that you do. My life was thrown down a spiral just a few months ago and I'm still reeling from my loss. I lost my job and my father passed very unexpectedly. There are days where I cry..ok, I cry everyday over everything and there days where I can barely breath because I'm filled with such anxiety because I don't know what the future holds for me.
But I'll be honest with you..I get up every morning and I read your blog and your quirkiness and your ability to turn any situation into some form of entertainment really really helps me...and I mean that. So you should know that eventhough things aren't on the up and up, you are making someone out there happy...because for just a moment I can forget about all my worries and I just feel happy..sort of connected to reality. If that makes sense.
Sending love from Pleasantville.

Brad and Danielle said...

I'm sorry cous. I think everyone has been there. I certainly have.

I am a very goal oriented person. When it was just me and Brad we had a lot of goals we were working toward - saving for a house, preparing to have kids, working to become a PE (professional engineer). Then I had Connor and I quit work. It was great at first, but then postpartum depression set in and I was left with a screaming baby and seemingly no goals in sight. I went back to work thinking that was what I wanted and it was actually one of the things that helped me thru my depression - having a break away from the baby (as bad as that sounds). But once I was thru it and I noticed Connor was having a harder time with sitters other than Ady, all I wanted to do was be home with him and I felt like I was spinning my wheels again - like I wasn't where I needed/wanted to be.

Now that I'm no longer working and we are in Utah, I am enjoying life a little more. I finally know what I want and how to help myself be happy. Many of my goals are now Connor-oriented, but I still have some for myself too. I think after a huge life change (moving or babies) it takes a little bit to find that life balance again. It's even tougher when you are in limbo and don't know what to expect next. Did I mention I'm also a planner?? :)

Sorry for the long comment. This is actually a brief summary of a blog post I've been planning for a while. It's a little known fact that I struggled with depression and I felt very alone and inadequate when I was experiencing it - like I was the only one and there must be something wrong with me. So I plan to share my experience with others. Not to say you are depressed - probably just having one of those crazy days where you finally feel all the stressors in your life at once. Trust me, I have lots of those too. :)

In short, I hope you get some answers soon. Hugs and kisses!

Allison and Noah Riley said...

You're singin' my song, sister. :)

Brooklyn said...

I hope things get better :( Uncertainty and lack of progress (as the experiencer defines it) are some of the very most difficult periods to go through, in my opinion. Especially when the person experiencing them is as driven and excited about life as you are. I'll say a prayer for you :)

Liz said...

It's so hard when you feel out of control of things. Here's a long-distance hug from Arizona. *Hug!*

Shea McGee said...

You've always been like the most productive person I know. Seriously. Also, it's hard for me to even keep succulents alive, so in my book, you've scored major accomplishment points for keeping arugula alive.

Hope the sun is shining brighter tomorrow, because you're pretty damn fabulous. xo

mbobm said...

if anyone, can handle anything, it's you noelle. kick the mean sad monster in the balls and show um' who's boss. xxox sending you courage & my love.

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